Fic Commentary: The Replacement

[nonelvis]

nostalgia_lj requested commentary for any story of mine, so I picked one I knew she'd enjoyed.



This was written for a Donna ficathon, for the prompt "The time Donna's cleavage saved the world." Now, oddly enough, just a couple of months before I found out about the ficathon, I'd started to write a "Donna's magnificent rack saves the world" story I was calling "The Breasts of Hypnos." I had nearly 800 words of it, but it just wasn't coming together in the way I wanted.

Stupidly, I thought, "Hey, what this story needs is plot," and I say "stupidly" because if there is one thing I'm even worse at than metaphor, it's plot.

Eventually I realized I'd left myself a bit of an opening with a reference to Kavinka the Nine-Breasted Virgin in "Without a Hitch." This is not the only time a previous story of mine will save my ass during the course of writing this one, but you'll have to wait a while longer before we get to that point.

"Please, Doctor, you must help us," pleaded the old man. "The wedding can't take place without Kavinka there to give her blessing to the couple. The politics uniting Prince Lorvin with Queen Mirva are too delicate to risk a ceremony without the sacred presence of the Nine-Breasted Virgin."

The Doctor clapped his friend on the shoulder for reassurance. "Don't worry, Mirtinn. I know Deneb's stability is at stake, and I'll do everything within my power to find Kavinka. Now, you said you had a photograph of the man she was with when she was last seen?"

Mirtinn reached into a fold of his heavy grey robe, withdrew a photo, and handed it to the Doctor.

"Oh," said the Doctor. "That man."

You have a virgin. You need something to push the plot forward. Enter Jack.

"You know him?"

"Well enough to guess why Kavinka ran off with him, certainly." The Doctor rubbed his cheek thoughtfully. "Mirtinn, it's possible that when I find your Nine-Breasted Virgin again, she may be missing a certain key attribute necessary for, um, virginity."

Mirtinn bowed his head. "I must pray to the Many-Plumed Cockerel of Eternal Hope and the Three-Legged Doe of Unspoiled Virtue that this is not so. War will continue to tear Deneb apart unless this marriage takes place."

I'd already referenced the Spotted Ferret of Wedded Dissolution in "Without a Hitch," so the cockerel and doe seemed reasonable.

"Mirtinn, I'll fix this for you, I promise, and Deneb will be a peaceful haven once more. Besides, now I know just who to talk to about your missing virgin ..."

* * *

The Doctor slotted a set of copper stereo plugs into the ports behind the TARDIS viewscreen, spun the dial below, and waited for the person he was trying to reach to pick up the call.

"Jack."

"Doctor. Looking spectacular as always, I see. And where's that gorgeous ginger girl you're travelling with now? Martha told me all about her."

"Never you mind about Donna. She's recovering from Brindallian flu, nasty 28-hour bug, couldn't even leave the TARDIS during my last stop."

Had to get Donna out of the way so that Mirtinn wouldn't see her and notice the resemblance to Kavinka. The Brindallian flu isn't at all a contrived solution to the problem, no *cough*

"You can't fool me, Doc. You just want her all to yourself."

"That's right, Jack; I travel through time and space with a motley assortment of attractive, available, and sexually frustrated women, men, and robot dogs, solely to protect them from your advances."

"You never mentioned the robot dog. Kinky."

The Doctor sighed in frustration. "Jack, I didn't call for a quick round of 'Marry, Shag, Cliff.' I need to know about Kavinka the Nine-Breasted Virgin."

Jack smiled broadly and purred, "Kavinka. Now, that name brings back some memories."

"Any you can share? Where she is, perhaps?"

"You mean you don't know? Doctor, I'm the one who brought Kavinka to New Vegas. This was before I met you and Rose, of course, but funny story, it's because of me that Kavinka –"

"New Vegas? When, Jack? There's a whole other planet depending on this woman, and you just whisked her away for some sordid holiday. No, spare me the details, I'm sure they're on the internet by now."

"Fourth week of 3,528, New Vegas local time," Jack said. "I'll never forget that week. Changed my life. Changed her life, too."

"I'll catch up with it on YouTube later. Right now I need to retrieve a wayward virgin. Or, more likely, ex-virgin."

Jack chuckled. "Definitely ex. But Doctor, she won't come with you. I told you, it's because of me that –"

OH DOCTOR, IF ONLY YOU'D LET JACK FINISH HIS SENTENCE.

"No time, Jack!" the Doctor said. "I've got a planet to save, and now I have to figure out how to re-virginate Kavinka before the wedding, thank you very much."

He clicked off the viewscreen and set coordinates for New Vegas. Maybe Donna would know how to fix the little problem Jack admitted he'd caused; surely this was the sort of secret knowledge women shared with one another, like how to fake an orgasm or synchronise cycles so that a companion was never available when you had late-night cravings. Donna had said she had "womanly wiles" – it was time to put them to use.

The Doctor is so rubbish with women. (And Nyssa and Tegan were clearly on to him, according to this paragraph.)

* * *

The Doctor burst into Donna's room, carrying a thick book with an oxblood binding and pages rimmed with dust and fuzz. His companion was sitting up in bed, bundled in blankets and thumbing through a copy of Vogue from 2011.

"So, Donna, hope you're feeling better. All done with the projectile vomiting? Outstanding. And that green colour, it should start to fade any minute now that you're up to hour 25. So, remember that side trip to Deneb? We need to take another one to New Vegas."

Donna was staring at him as if he were a lunatic, but since this happened frequently, he ignored it. The Doctor seated himself at the foot of Donna's bed and opened the book.

"Deneb's two major nations have been at war for the past four years," he began. "They've just signed a peace treaty and are ratifying it in the traditional Denebian manner, with a marriage between their two monarchs. But they can't have the marriage without a special blessing from Kavinka the Nine-Breasted Virgin, and she's gone missing, but the man who negotiated the treaty, man called Mirtinn, dear old friend of mine, you'd love him, pity you were stuck in the TARDIS, anyway he needs us to find Kavinka and bring her back by tomorrow."

Nothing like shoving all the exposition into dialogue!

"You," said Donna, "are completely, utterly, stark raving, certifiably mad. Are you aware of that?"

"Most definitely," the Doctor said, and located a page near the centre of the book. "Look, here's the passage about Kavinka, in the Sacred Tome of Ritual, 26th Edition: 'And lo, the maiden's teats were as bountiful as the summer harvest, and as white as the morning greknax milk, and as lush and plentiful as the Plains of Lush Plenty; and her maidenhood was pure, and chaste, and inviolate; and her blessings were as multifarious as her charms.'" The Doctor closed the book, launching a puff of dust that made Donna sneeze. "Denebians. Never use one word when twelve will do."

"You must get along famously with them."

"I do, at that," the Doctor agreed. "But there's one tiny hitch with finding Kavinka. One eensy-weensy, microscopic hitch."

"Which is?"

"I know for a fact she isn't a virgin anymore. Any way we can fix that?"

"Fix that? There's nothing to fix. You're either a virgin, or you're not. On or off. Black or white. Human, or alien git."

"Human, or alien git." ILU, Donna.

"Donna, I came here for your help. The kind of special help," he said, starting to fidget uncomfortably, "that I think only you as a female can offer."

"You need the special help, all right," Donna muttered.

I STILL LOVE YOU, DONNA

"Look, is there some kind of test this woman's going to have to pass, or will they just take her word for it?"

The Doctor re-opened the book and flipped through several pages. "Now, there's a surprise – it doesn't say. If there were a ritual for it, the Denebians would have recorded that. They record everything."

"Then lie, Dumbo. Just ask her to lie. It's that easy. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to sleep off the rest of this flu, because pea green simply does not work with this hair colour."

* * *

Much later that day, the TARDIS landed inside an amusement arcade in the centre of New Vegas' Entertainment District Seven.

"So, we're looking for a girl with nine breasts," said Donna, stepping out of the TARDIS and immediately covering her ears to protect them from the racket caused by all the games. "Shall we start at the lingerie shops or the strip clubs?" she yelled.

"She doesn't really have nine breasts, Donna," replied the Doctor, meandering toward the nearest garishly blinking machine. "Denebian women are very underendowed, mammarily speaking. Also, they consider the number three lucky, so, pretty girl develops a generous bosom, the Denebians take it as a sign from the gods, call her thrice-blessed, et voilà: Kavinka the Nine-Breasted Virgin. Oh, look, Tic-Tac-Squid! I love this one!"

The word "squid" is automatic comedy.

He dropped a coin in the machine's slot, pressed several buttons, then frowned. "Aw, rotten Moon Whale ate all my squids."

Donna grabbed his arm and wrested him away from the game. "Let's go, squid-boy. Virgin to find? And look, there's an information terminal over there, only 10 wynns, whatever those are."

The Doctor fumbled in his pockets, then peered up at the ceiling and shifted Donna so that she stood to his right, immediately beside the terminal. "Out of wynns. Here, block the camera view for a minute. For some reason, security on New Vegas never takes kindly to me using the sonic on their machines."

"Can't imagine why."

"Well, the 10 million wynn jackpot on a 1-wynn machine might have upset them a touch. But honestly, it was all for a good cause." He dropped the sonic back into his jacket. "Lucky for us Kavinka's an uncommon name. There's only one listing, and she's just a few blocks away."

For some reason, Steve Wynn was the first Las Vegas mogul (other than Bugsy Siegel) whose name popped into my head, so "wynn" became the currency. The pun works nicely anyway.

The address the terminal supplied turned out to be a discount bazaar on the first floor of a rundown building off the main drag. Deep within the maze of stalls offering tacky souvenirs or overpriced, watered-down tropical drinks, the Doctor and Donna found Kavinka staffing a booth selling cabbage dumplings. A noxious, sulphuric stench emanated from the pot of steaming broth she was slowly stirring.

I like vegetarian dumplings, but if you put cabbage in them and don't cook them properly, they are just plain rank.

It had been many years in Kavinka's timeline since the Doctor had last seen her. He recalled her as a stringy-haired teenager, still a little gawky despite her fleshed-out bumps and curves. Now she had a flowing cascade of black hair wrapped in a kerchief; her face was pinched and thinner than before, but she had grown statuesque and voluptuous ... and oddly familiar.

Originally I had no reference to the Doctor noticing a resemblance between Donna and Kavinka because I wanted it to be a surprise. platypus felt that it was too far out of left field that way, so in went the "oddly familiar" line. I'm sure she was right to ask me to fix that. She usually is.

"Kavinka!" cried the Doctor. "It's been ages!" He looked her up and down. The resemblance really was uncanny, and he wondered whether Donna would notice. "You've ... grown," he continued, swallowing nervously. "Doesn't she look lovely, Donna? Only up to six breasts the last time I saw her, I think. Definitely ... grown."

"Stop stammering, you idiot. They're just boobs." Donna, a curious and surprised look on her face, extended her hand to Kavinka, who shook it. "Donna Noble. I travel with this horny twit."

I'm sorry, but he is a horny twit sometimes.

"Very nice to meet you, Donna," Kavinka said. "Doctor, it's lovely to see you again. Dumpling?" She passed him one on a paper plate.

He gobbled it down, regretting his hastiness immediately: the rank cabbage filling slid slimily down his throat like a rotten egg. He palmed a handkerchief and coughed, discreetly spitting out the rest of the dumpling.

"Too hot," the Doctor said, waving his hand in front of his mouth. "My own fault; just couldn't wait. No, no, really, no need for another one; I'm full. Besides, we're here on business. Very important business, no time to waste. Kavinka, we need you to come back to Deneb with us. Prince Lorvin and Queen Mirva can't get married without you."

Kavinka shook her head. "No chance. I like New Vegas. I'm just getting started with the dumpling business, and at least here I don't have priests chasing off every nearby attractive man. Or woman," she added, smiling seductively at Donna.

"Always good to have a backup plan, just in case," the Doctor said. "Did you know new restaurants have a 50 percent failure rate? Admittedly, you've got lower overhead than Tour d'Argent, but even so –"

"It's very sweet of you to come all this way, Doctor, but I'm not leaving. I'm done with ceremonial dances and all that blessing nonsense. Deneb will have to find someone else to take my place." Kavinka skimmed a mass of sickly olive-green foam from the top of the dumpling pot. "Sure you don't want any more?"

"You're always so generous, Kavinka, but I'm watching my figure. And so is Donna," he added, ignoring the glare he received from his companion. "Absolutely nothing I can do to convince you ...?"

But there wasn't. The Doctor and Donna headed back to the TARDIS, the Doctor dejected, and Donna unusually quiet. As the Doctor set course for Deneb, Donna blurted out, "You could have told me she might as well have been my twin sister. Do you know how weird that is, meeting someone who looks just like you? And you said you'd met her before. My God, did you sleep with her? When she was just a teenager? You're a dirty old man, you are."

The Doctor goggled at Donna and started to tick off his responses with his fingers. "One: No, I haven't slept with her. Even if I'd wanted to, the priests guarded her sacred virginity round the clock, remember? Two: you humanoids are littered all about this great, big universe, so odds are eventually you'll meet someone who looks exactly like you. Or if you're me, someone who literally is you. Yes, it's weird, but you get used to it."

He noticed Donna's mouth opening, ready with another question, and headed her off. "And three: we've got bigger problems to worry about right now, namely, a royal wedding that can't happen without ... oh. Of course. Of course! Donna, my dear, you're brilliant!"

Originally, point three read very differently: "And three: not that we're likely to meet another me anytime soon, but yes, I've shagged myself, and yes, you can watch next time." I should really find a way to repurpose that line elsewhere; it was wrong here, but should be right somewhere else.

"Always am, which is why I've got a feeling you're planning something ludicrous. As usual."

"Like I said, always good to have a backup plan, even if I've just come up with it, but that's why they call me a genius." The Doctor took a deep breath. "Donna, I'm going to need your help for this."

Donna's eyes widened. "You daft alien. You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking."

"It's the perfect solution! All we need is a black wig and the right outfit. You learn a few lines, we toast the happy couple at the reception, and I sneak you off in the TARDIS as soon as it's over."

"Leaving the poor people of Deneb without their blessed virgin and her miracle tits, I might add."

"It's possible there might be some details yet to work out."

Really? In a plan of the Doctor's? NOOOOOOO.

"Here's a detail for you: what if they figure out I'm not Kavinka? Not that you haven't given me the grand tour of nearly every jail cell in the galaxy already, but I wasn't looking to tick another one off the list. There's still slime in my trainers from last week's swamp prison, and I think it might be breeding."

"No one's going to arrest you, Donna. No one's even going to know Kavinka was missing in the first place. You're the spitting image of her, right down to the" – he motioned at Donna's chest – "magnificent breasts."

"You'd better hope they're magnificent enough, skinny," Donna said. "Because if something goes wrong, I'm telling them this was all your idea, and we'll see what starts mating in your plimsolls."

* * *

One black wig, a feathered tutu, and a pair of tasselled pasties later, Donna appeared in front of Prince Lorvin and Queen Mirva to bless their happy union, the union of their two countries, the thousand years of peace to come, the scores of wise and gifted children the couple might someday have, the wedding guests, the twelve oiled wrestlers bravely grappling in the background to symbolise the eternal struggle of husband and wife in maintaining a balanced relationship, and the nine courses the guests would be consuming at the reception should the blessing ever be completed. The Doctor's stomach growled when Donna recited that line – the ceremony had been going for three hours by then – but at least she had those lovely, lovely tits with which to distract him.

I'd mentioned the twelve wrestlers in "Without a Hitch," so I had to explain them here. I rather like the symbolism, actually.

It was amazing, really, what the woman could do with her breasts. Even though the ritual dancing only called for Kavinka to circle the couple six times, periodically shaking her breasts at them to enhance fertility, Donna took to the activity with relish. She jiggled fetchingly, her tassels swinging clockwise, anticlockwise, then in opposite directions simultaneously; she wriggled and writhed and bounced until the guests spontaneously burst into wild applause.

This paragraph is taken directly from "The Breasts of Hypnos." Maybe someday the rest of that story will see the light of day.

As people began to file out of the room toward the feast hall, Donna bounded over to the corner where the Doctor had been lurking.

"I did good, didn't I? No, I did better than that – I was bloody fabulous out there. Best blessing they've ever had, I'll bet."

The Doctor grabbed Donna by the shoulders and leaned in to plant a wet and joyful kiss on her forehead. "Donna Noble, you just saved the world with your breasts."

"Yes, they are magnificent, aren't they?"

"Terribly, wonderfully magnificent. If we didn't have to attend the reception, I'd suggest an extended period of private worship of the multifarious charms of Kavinka the Nine-Breasted Virgin."

Hopefully the idea that the Doctor and Donna are occasionally sleeping together doesn't feel too off-base here. Besides, I think the line is funny.

Donna hooked her arm through the Doctor's and cocked her head to the right. "Cloakroom's this way, sunshine. You can start by worshipping the twins with that clever tongue of yours, and then I've got some other parts that could do with a long oral sermon."

HELL YES.

* * *

Leaving Donna behind at the reception to continue fulfilling her religious duties, the Doctor returned to the TARDIS, hoping to work out the missing details of his plan ... and the best way to do that, he decided, might be to make it someone else's problem. He placed another call to Cardiff and reviewed the situation.

"This is your mess, Jack. I shouldn't have to clean it up for you."

"Calm down, Doc, I know just what to do. Come by and get me, and I swear to you, all your problems will be solved."

"Jack, we've been through this before. Save the universe first; sex later."

"Promises, promises. Doctor, don't you remember what else Kavinka is famous for?"

"I expect it isn't those dumplings."

"Do-Me Dolls – the autonomous sex androids?"

Here's the point where another story of mine saved my sorry butt. I was stuck on the plot resolution and re-reading old stories to see if there was an idea I'd missed when I ran across this line in "Inappropriate": "Secretly replaced by autonomous sex android ... ." Combine that with the concept of a Real Doll, and presto: instant plot fix.

The Doctor scratched his ear. "No, Jack, can't say that I've heard of those."

"Come on, every teenager had one! Best sexbots ever made – smart AI, great practise, fantastic tits. The first female droid was modelled on Kavinka. I was on assignment on Deneb when I ran into her. She was pretty lonely for someone who spends her whole life at weddings and parties. See, the problem with being famous for being the sacred virgin is that you tend to remain a virgin."

Oh, Jack, never change. You make writing silly sex comedy so much easier.

"Your kind of problem."

"It certainly is," Jack said. "We left for a quick holiday on New Vegas, and she didn't want to go back home. I knew the dumpling business was never going to last, so I gave her some contact information for an entrepreneur friend of mine. The rest is history ... history that for once, you don't seem to know about."

"I try to concern myself with the big picture, Jack. Interplanetary wars. Rebel factions trying to overthrow government oppression. Where to find decent chocolate gelato in the Pegasus system. Not 51st century trends in sex toys."

"Your loss," Jack replied. "Go ahead, mock me if you want, but it's my attention to the more intimate side of history that's going to save that perky little arse of yours, so bring it on over here already, will you?"

* * *

Despite Donna's elation about her wedding performance, she seemed only too happy to greet the Doctor and Jack when they returned to Deneb. "Took you long enough," she grumbled. "Two and a half hours I've been stuck there blessing every man, woman, and child, and these pasties don't do a thing to keep the girls warm."

Ever walked around with just stickers on your nipples? I have (which is another story entirely), so let me tell you, when the sun starts to go down, you can really feel the breeze.

"I can help with that," Jack said. "Captain Jack Harkness. You must be the extraordinary Donna Noble." He brought Donna's hand to his lips and kissed it. "The Doctor told me you could be Kavinka's twin, but I don't think that's true. You're so much prettier."

"Oh, he's smooth, this one. We can keep him around, yeah?" Donna asked the Doctor.

"We'll discuss it after you trade clothes with that Do-Me Droid in the corner, Donna," the Doctor replied, gesturing to the robotic double of Kavinka leaning against a coral strut. "Jack brought one from New Vegas, fresh out of the box, and I've done a little reprogramming work to teach her all the proper rituals. Can't give her Kavinka's memories, but we'll call that a case of traumatic amnesia from running off with Jack –"

Jack is also handy for when the Doctor randomly needs to insult someone, even if it's the person who's fixing the problem for him.

"Hey!" Jack protested. "Show a little love for the guy who's making this all go away, will you?"

"Maybe later, Jack. Anyway, she'll last the Denebians a good long time, and by the time her batteries run out, undoubtedly some new successor to Kavinka will have been born."

"Well, that's a relief," Donna said. "Because these tits are all tuckered out for tonight, and spectacular as they are, I don't fancy spending the next few years shaking them about for blokes who won't even shag me."

"Good thing you brought me along, then, Doctor," Jack said, grinning. "Donna, need any help undressing?"

"How gentlemanly of you, Captain Harkness." Donna took his arm and headed toward the back exit of the console room. "Doctor, care to join us? I believe it might be time for evening worship services."

"Wouldn't do for me to miss those, would it?" He took Donna's other arm. "Donna, I look forward to receiving your blessings. Your very, very bountiful blessings."

And bountiful and awesome they are indeed. Donna deserves Ten and Jack after all that.

Comments

[nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com]

Good choice!

how to fake an orgasm or synchronise cycles so that a companion was never available when you had late-night craving

*ded of lol*

[nonelvis]

Silly Doctor, thinking he can bring pretty wimmins on board and they'll just be available whenever he wants.

[elliptic-eye.livejournal.com]

I should really find a way to repurpose that line elsewhere; it was wrong here, but should be right somewhere else.

I can't think of too many circumstances in which it'd be wrong. But I'm easy.

[hibernate.livejournal.com]

You have a virgin. You need something to push the plot forward. Enter Jack.

Oh, Jack. How I love you and your slutty ways. :D

Hope you don't mind me barging in on your journal like this; just wanted to tell you how much this commentary made me laugh. And obviously the fic is made of awesome too, but I'm sure you already know that. :)

[nonelvis]

I don't mind you barging in at all! I'm just glad you liked the story and the commentary :)